finding my own perfection

per·fect

/adj., n. ˈpɜrfɪkt; v. pərˈfɛkt/ Show Spelled[adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]

–adjective

1. conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type

2. excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement

3. exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose

4. entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings

5. accurate, exact, or correct in every detail.

6. thorough; complete; utter

7. pure or unmixed

8. unqualified; absolute

9. expert; accomplished; proficient.

10. unmitigated; out-and-out; of an extreme degree

there are another 12 definitions of Perfect....which got me thinking.. we as people obsess over finding Perfection; perfection within ourselves, perfection in our lives, perfection in our relationships...
but I've realized we're all in search for a word that does not even possess a solid definition. So what is it that we're really searching for?? Perhaps it is a reaffirmation of self-worth, or maybe even the everlasting hunt for the meaning of life. Society has built us to strive for something more as individuals, to earn more money, build upon our education as much as possible, have MORE of anything in order to be SUCCESSFUL... the American Dream is to make money and go to your big house after work and park your car in the driveway and kiss your family hello. People risk death crossing oceans and borders to have a piece of this American dream because to them its Perfection. We spend our whole lives trying to build upon this theory when in reality, we're fighting for a word that doesn't even really exist. The true summary of all of these definitions is essentially the lack of flaws...but a flaw to one person is a wonderful asset to another...so upon finding something that u care about so much so that the "flaws" don't matter to you....haven'[t we all got our own perfections already?

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...
a Rose grows in Brooklyn

questions

is this really what i wanted?

am i as good a person as i claim to be?

what am i doing?

where am i going?

do i care?

do u care?

hell, does anybody care?

why?

what do i want?

is this really where i should be?

is it worth it?

am i right?

am i wrong?

what next?

where do i go?

what do i do?

damn...

take my hand

i was watching 'did u hear about the morgans' (in utter boredom) & one line stood out to me...i cant remember it word for word but it was along the lines of a couple that still laughs together has something worth making work...some shit like that

so i got to thinking

at the beginning of every relationship, its all smiles and laughs...every problem in ur life becomes obsolete and at least for now, the adolescent joy n infatuation u share makes everyday bright...but at some point the smiles fade and the laughter dies down, until one day ur forced to realize when there were more bad times than good...& if u still want it as bad as u did when everything was sunny skies, then do u just need to learn how to laugh again??

im bitter...im broken..n most of all im incomplete....n 12months later i find myself desperately looking for a solution...ive run myself ragged to clinical dismay with no clue as to what to do, say, think to make myself ok...n all the while i look at my inability to let go as a sign that i was right in the first place, n i wasnt crazy for KNOWING who wwas the one...

this is truly outlandish

this surpasses quixotic

and im clearly struggling

impervious to reality

Jasmin Rose

birthday candles

its my birthday ^_^... n i have so many wishes that 23 candles will not suffice... ive promised myself twenty-four hours of happiness...even if its fake, even if its forced...until midnight tonight i will forget all my problems and just be...

which means that tomorrow im goin in on a blog about how i really feel

but until then...candle number one...close my eyes and blow

Jasmin rose

this thing called love

this thing called love...its become a joke..people throw it around n use it so casually that we forget what its really about...u dont wake up one day and decide u love somebody, be it a friend, lover or family member...u grow into it, its a part of who u are- love is a state of being...its actions, its thoughts, its words, its body language, its motivation...its a force so powerful it takes away our free will...love can make life seem pointless while it can also become ur only reason to live.... love makes people stay in bad relationships and fight for dreams that never come true, love makes parents kill themselves to put a smile on their kids face, love makes u sacrifice wants and needs for the sake of this...this feeling... the feeling u get when the person u love is or isnt there...love makes u stay when u know u should leave, n the only thing that makes u leave is love again, but love for urself...love is sick, twisted, manipulative and deceitful...n what do people do? toss it around like a cheap toy... actions speak louder than words but talkin is an action...we talk love and live heartless...whats the point

selfish thoughts

sorry ive been neglecting u...i find myself gettin caught up in the everyday reality of my location so im fighting the undetectable molding of becoming a product of my environment... i thought of a poem in my sleep the other day (lol)... its nothin serious... just some light word play

i want to be the one whos kisses make everything ok
a faded frown as the sound of my voice hits ur ears
i want to be the one u turn to when everything goes wrong
i want to be the last voice u hear before u sleep and the first when u wake up
i want to be ur number one priority
as a matter of fact, i demand it
am i so full of myself that i want to be the only one massaging u after a long day?
i want to bring u breakfast in bed and dinner in front the tv
i want to rub ur neck til u fall asleep
i want to fold ur clothes when they come out the dryer
i want to make ur bed when u forget to do it
i want to be ur escape from reality
i want to be the only one who can make or break ur day in one sentance
i want to be the reason u laugh, cry, smile, fantasize
i want to be ur everything
im such a selfish bitch

there was a lot more to it that made it flow a bit more eloquantly however i cant remember the rest right now...thats the basic gist of it all...its not meant for anybody in particular, i just find myself watching people change and grow all around me and its cute to see people build relationships...theyre all so anxious and eager...nervous and excited...so willing to establish something but then a few weeks later, the high is gone and reality sets in *hearty chuckle*

ADD??...maybe a little

since my inevitable desire to speak is only deterred by my lack of listening ears 24/7, i started writing some of my potential blogs down... im going to buy a mead notebook today just for that purpose...possibly two, one will be the legit drafts for "the search for something normal"

A + D + D

If I Had One Wish, I WISH I Could Be 19 Again...i would change the world...(to be continued)

Quixotic Thoughts & Outlandish Emotions... I'm Impervious To Reality
Jasmin Rose

no air

sometimes a trip somewhere new (or even someplace u havent been in a long time) gives u the opportunity to breathe a little bit... u can collect ur thoughts and take a steady inhale and exhale of molecular freedom...its not the same as running away from ur problems, but instead ur purifying ur brain...allowing ur system to cleanse itself for a moment of the toxic reality of the everyday and the steady detoxification of self allows for the regeneration of what once was and the possible founding of what will be... ive had a few days away from "home" and while the four walls that ive resided within for the past 22 years of my life have more often than not caused me to feel as though my every day was a mere millisecond of steady drowning...i cannot breathe... my lungs may not be as starved for oxygen here as they are at "home", but im still gasping... i didnt take this trip to get away from anything or to even ease my mind in the slightest bit...instead i came to spend time with my family (as introduced in chapter 2 and re-introduced in part 2 of "The Search...") i dont find myself caught in an under current though... its funny how people often say their children gave them new life...i babysat my lil brothers today (part 2 of the search) and i was sooo busy with them today that i was barely able to focus on anything else...and the few things i was able to run my mind across were positive in some way shape or form... admist the overwhelming tidal wave of negativity that i've been smacked with the past 7 months and more-so the past 6 weeks..."higher powers" work mysteriously... or maybe its just life... who knows ... im still short of breath tho

ADD? Not this time... instead a Very Special Message for a Very Special Person


im sooooooooooooo sorry Sarah, i know ur awaiting the continuation of "The Search for Something Normal" but i've actually been writing it in a notebook to make up for not blogging since i'm never near a computer when i have the thoughts in mind...i swear the real chapter one is on its way before the weekend is over...

ADD? yes... but not for this blog... id like to know ur opinion on Cougars and men who date women that are young enough to be their daughters cause I SAW SOME MADNESS ON TV TODAY....and im full of opinions...i saw some true fuckery...some TRUE...un-Godly...un-acceptable...fockery...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose

chapter one

most autobiographies usually start at the beginning...not at birth but a brief family history... with that being the case i've already broken the rules by having a more interesting beginning than present... November 9, 1987 5:18pm queens hospital center i took my first breath...it might have been hot, it might have been cold, it might have been raining for all i know...whenever i run into a weatherman who happens to have a fantastic memory i'll let u kno...most autobiographies also begin with a detailed description of the parents lives...this is where my story begins...and this is also where it is clear that my tale is unlike no other

i could start by saying that i dont know where my mother was born but i think that she was born somewhere in New York in the 1970s..she had an older brother and nothing short of a messed up childhood...she was born to a mother who overly expressed her affections for her son and denied those for her daughter, she was a troubled child who lived by her own rules...bounced from home to home often, she was molested by her stepfathers brother at the age of 14,at 16 she dropped out of hs and had her 1st child, my older brother, and got her GED. experimenting with drugs and "living life to the fullest" she often found herself in trouble before she attempted to settle down and get married when she got pregnant and had me at age 20. as for my father... i could tell u he was oldest of 3 boys born in Yonkers to a Puerto Rican mother and Irish father in the 1970s...but 15 years later, a conversation revealed it is also just as possible that my father was born in a hospital on some random date in some random state to some random family with some random history... funny how the past seems to be more interesting than the present...but from the day i was born until i was three months old, my "reality" was a green eyed daddy and my almost caramel skinned Haitian-American mommy (although i was darker than them both)... and for a while we lived the American dream in Queens...then Louisiana... and Florida... or something like that

then somehow...someway... i end up with daddy's parents... and my reality is now a Puerto Rican momma and an Irish daddy... both of whom were born in the 1930s and retired but lived their lives as social workers... apparently my mother dropped me off and disappeared across the country, or my grandparents kidnapped me and ambushed my mother in court, or my mother asked my grandparents to babysit and took a few extra days to come back and they thought she disappeared so they went to court...all the research in the world couldn't give me a clear enough story to make this chapter clear enough to make sense... there's an old saying " there are three sides to every story- her side, his side and the truth"- well in my case... there was Daddy's side of the story, Grandma's side, Grandpa's, Uncle so-and-so's, Mommy's family's side of the story, Mommy's side of the story, random friend of the family's side of the story, and somewhere amidst the chaos and pointed fingers lies the truth. For whatever reason I ended up in a house in Queens for 22years of my life with good people however old and out of date they may have been and for that i am grateful. i don't care to know the truth for i find it impossible to know... unless i ever find the court records from the 1990s that lead to my paternal grandparents custody of me, i don't care to know how i ended up in this house. i just know i lived as best a life as they could provide. With that said, i confess that i lied to u, my loyal readers, this is indeed not chapter one but instead my introduction... this is the very beginning of my quest... The Search for Something Normal

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

the permeation of my soul...

day 167 of the year 2010...and i am still unemployed... i've been denied from every grad school i applied to...needless to say, this thing that is my life has begun to fall into shambles... on a side note one of my best friends has moved in so for the first time in 22 years theres not a 20+ age gap between myself and the other residents of this household...

ADD? ABSOLUTELY!!!

i think the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was falling in love with sports...sports now feels like that guy that ur parents and all ur friends tell u to leave alone but u dont listen? next thing u know u live together and hes using ur car to visit other women and u cant leave cause ur too proud... nice

tell me not in mournful numbers life is but an empty dream! for the soul is dead that slumbers, and things are not what they seem. life is real! life is earnest! and the grave is not its goal. dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul- H.W. Longfellow

i wish i had something more profound to say today...but as i said...this is the steady demise of my soul...i dont dream anymore...literally and figuratively... i realized this when Miss Myanda said one of the realest things ive ever read "I dreamed so hard it came true"... and it hit me- i dont dream anymore... not even nightmares...no day dreams, nothing at all...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions, im no longer impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

closer to my dreams?

sooo im anxiously awaiting a verdict from the st johns university graduate admissions committee... almost 6 months out of school and im still unemployed...talk about a recession...

sometimes i feel as thought im aiming too high... i have 6 figure goals and 7 figure dreams... i mean who doesnt? my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent with a life of mediocrity...a job i dont hate but dont love that pays the bills, a husband and kids to make it all "worthwhile"... whenever i get married and have kids, thats gonna be my main priority...i refuse to be the type of mother who sacrifices dance recitals and games for board meetings and overtime...im gonna be that cookie baking soccer/football/track/basketball mom that never lets her kids down... but to do that i want to reach my goals so that i donthave to struggle...i refuse to believe that this is life, graduate college and have kids...what living have i done? i want to travel i want to see the world i have so many things to experience...i would never want my kids to feel as though they missed out on something... shit, ill take my kids traveling...PR, Jamaica, Europe... and then some... im only 22 but i find myself having the "when i have kids" conversation entirely too often...society has structured us to believe that having a kid at like 19 is ok because u can make 30k a year n be just fine truckin jr back and forth between mommy n daddys house...not me...not ever

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose

life, camera, action

i dont quite kno how to word myself right now...(nothing new)... again this entire post is monotone if u can imagine lol... but i was watching a movie and it really irritated me how society is so patriarchal and the constant depiction of women as naive, docile, pitterful beings... every movie u see involves a woman being subjected to some kind of bullshit to say the least...a man that did her wrong, a man that doesnt want her but she insists on chasing him anyway, a woman with a good man but is too stupid to realize it... us women are really not that tragic... and as my ADD kicks in the whole thing reminded me about a class i took last summer on race in the media

"black women" will always be the jezebel, mammy or tragic mulatto in every movie...thats how they're depicted...mostly a combination...its sick and discouraging that its 2010 and society structures women to believe in fairy tales and live as though one day their idyllic fantasy lives will become reality...thats supposed to be "our reality"...in general the world tells u to keep faith thru ur mistakes and one day ull fall in love and be swept off ur feet, ur not an idiot for being naive ur just a victim of emotion and thus were not accountable for ur behaviors however impetuous it may have been... bullshit... we're all accountable for our actions, i dont understand this maudlin mentality thats been structurally embedded in women...in people overall...life isnt a fairy tale or a fable its not always happily ever after...n when i say that im not even talkin about love im saying in general...u dont always win no matter how positive u are...not to be the pessimist in the room but thats the truth...thats reality ... im Impervious To Reality...
and ironically im as hopelessly trapped within its grasp as the very people i despise

(think about it)

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

subconsciously conscious

its been a while....sorry to disappoint

WELL NOW!!!!!! i havent had a full night of sleep in about 6 months...n when i do sleep i have a nightmare or i wake up a millionnnnnnn times...makes no sense.... so i looked into a dream dictionary..and this is what i discovered ..

*To see a shooting in your dream, indicates that you have a set goal and know what you are aiming for in life. Your plans are right on target!
*To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person.
*To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation

*To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

...just to clear the air...all my nightmares involve me being shot or people hunting me down tryna kill me...madness...

ADD...

Congrats to the 2010 Graduates....good job =0]

i have so much more to say....my mind is searching for the words to say it...ive got that lost in the words feeling goin on in my head

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...Im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

speak

for a moment i thought i had something extremely profound to say... then i completely forgot it... *sigh*

anyway its ugly outside....the world is being wrapped in the stale, weathered train of mother natures gown... after being dragged across the universe a few hundred million years its no wonder the sky is grey... when it gets like this i wish it would just pour... maybe God or Mother Nature just needs to split open the heavens and flood the clouds with rain... i like when the rain cascades down my windows like a waterfall blurring everything behind the glass... days like this i feel like its gonna come any minute now but it never does...

i want to do a blog on African American sororities but i feel that may be entirely too controversial of a topic to discuss...on the surface it may not seem so but when u start to understand the history behind it, u understand and respect the notion of "sisterhood" and why it runs so deep within peoples veins...

ADD clearly

my lovies are graduating :'(... im sad because they wont be a train ride away but im excited to see what the future holds for them... i see and feel big things in my heart for these girls... Sarah is going to take over the media...she HAS to... have u ever met someone who is BORN to do something? her journalism skills just flow so naturally that i refuse to believe she was made to do anything else... shes gonna head cnn or espn one day i swear...n lil miss Joia (sigh) if there was ever any1 more fit to work with children id like to meet them... shes got that kind soul that kids can pick up on..shes gonna make a difference in alot of kids lives... now im not sayin im not fit to work with kids... im great with kids but in a different light...im so maternal i refuse to believe i wasnt born to be a mother...of course im gonna do other things with my life...ive stared at the spotlight for so long i cant imagine not being in it... there has to be something bigger than all of THIS out there for me... unlike most people i have no calling...ive never done something that made me think THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO... there are things that i love and have a passion for but it doesnt feel like thats wat branded my existence... when it comes to people im so maternal that i know its a wrap when i have kids...they cant get away with a damn thing lolol but under the right circumstances of course.... something about sports keeps callin me and i havent figured out what direction its taking me but im not gonna ignore the whispers...

still playing usher... and now drake find ur love... something about the song feels like i was supposed to hear it... u kno its for u (if ur reading my blog that is...n if u are then u kno im talkin to u)

so every single summer i'll be the one that u remember....

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

risky business

sooo my topic today is taking risks...but not just taking risks but the fear involved...

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~ Fulton Oursler

its a powerful quote...just think about it seriously... in our present, people are afraid to take risks that affect our futures...and in turn we regret having been so afraid in the past....

todays post has clearly become an advice column of sorts

anyway my theory on all of this is, as hard as it is to do, if ur fear is rooted in something u REALLY WANT...then fuck the fear... just do it...take the risk... in the end u might end up not getting what u want at all but at least u know u didnt hold back, its just Life's way of saying this wasnt supposed to happen for u (or maybe God...that guy)

ADD

i cannot take Usher- Mars Vs Venus off repeat...
now back to ur regularly scheduled program

anyway other than that i have nothing profound to say today... i made no real time observations... im continuing to learn that i have a lot of growing left to do as a person.. and sometimes its ok to tweak urself a little bit for the sake of love if it benefits YOU in the end as a person....

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions... im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

lesson learned

so this is gonna b a short post for once...its actually one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

its probably one of the hardest things in life to really grasp yet its a lesson we learn on a daily basis... im in real good spirits today (despite having yet another nightmare)

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

hidden messages

im startin to think i blog too much... i just had a random thought that i needed to put on paper but i cant find a pen at the moment sooo....

have u ever watched a movie and one of the messages in the room seemed to directly speak to u?? ive been watching a lot of movies lately (courtesy of FiosTV) and it seems like EVERY movie i watch is tryna tell me something... im well aware im looking way too deep into it but (for once my add is in topic) i feel like Gods tryna tell me something

things have a funny way of working themselves out

anyway...going in tune with my movie topic...the thing that hit home was "He's Just Not That Into You"... not the movie itself but one scene this girl was going off about how she might be the type to look too deep into things...she said "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care." ... then a few days later somebody told me i was looking too deep into something... so today it stood out to me out of nowhere... (cause i was starting to make something out of nothing in my mind but i caught myself) im the kind of woman who looks for signs in everything... if one thing happens in my mind its speaking on a totally unrelated situation... ive concluded i really am crazy

no ADD yet...just keep following me for a sec

I watched the Soloist and at one point the main character realizes he cant change jamie foxx and that the best way to help him is to let him be himself...granted the main message of the movie is about holding onto something you believe in but thats the part of the movie that stood out to me... im a scorpio which means to some extent i need to be in control... i dont want total control because complete control= responsibility...but i like to have the ability to manipulate a situation...

SO..MY POINT IS... tying the two movies together lolol im gonna stop looking so deep into things and let LIFE take control...gonna fall back and just let life rock...the more i do that the happier i end up being i notice

SIDENOTE_ I've had Raymond vs Raymond on repeat all day *frown* i like this album way too much

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

a higher power

im sittin here thinking to myself this morning...(again in my usual monotone) and im wondering to myself about God and his power... are our emotions free will or courtesy of Him? we pray to God for patience and strength and peace of mind and all of that stuff... but yet things happen and we can control our emotions...so which is it?... we can control when we feel lust, we go to anger management to control our tempers ...we take walks to calm down when we cry we crack jokes to laugh WEEE do all this SHIT...to control how we feel... yet at the same time shit happens and we can't help how the emotions that surface... i dont know whether to pray to whatever God that there is or to just emote... theres no answer...it cant be both ... so really wtf?

ADD...

i had a nightmare last night...i was in the shower and suddenly there was blood trickling down my legs and it crept its way across the basin of the tub before swirling into a light pink shadow as it sank down the drain... i pictured it so vividly but there was no cut..just blood leaking from the pores... this is what i get for watching CSI before bed...maybe i really am crazy... i woke up in a panic... i have no desire to die anyyyytime soon... its not 2087 yet so i have some time to go trust me... ive been having nightmares for weeks now... is this God or my subconscious tryna tell me something? whos to say they're not the same?? if there is a God... but thats another post...

ADD yet again... go figure

so i dont have anywhere to download music from... limewires been blocked on my cpu and its remotely plagued with viruses anyway and jamglue has decided to stop lettin me rip music off of famous folk for free so i need a new outlet...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions... im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

The beginning

so my inspiration for this blog was a simple ride home on the train... i could picture myself speaking in monotone describing what i was seeing as my thoughts traveled through my head...i had an idea for a blog before (courtesy of the o-so-splendifourous Sarah Myanda)...i guess im just looking for an outlet...i cant ever seem to find the right words to say but give me pen and paper and the ink spells out my soul...even now i picture my words as an emotionless voice searching for something...so since i seem to be incapable of screaming my thoughts to the world i'll revert back to my first love in life...my words...

the other day i watched the raindrops splash against the cold roof of the train...it was something so simple but i was so intrigued...the rain hit the roof and shattered into tiny droplets that ricocheted in a million directions...i wanted to be a raindrop...just splatter on the window n drag my way down before sinking within the steel gray concrete on the sidewalk...maybe im crazy...who knows

ADD is kicking in...

i said something (i feel) is extremely profound on twitter today lol...shouts to its creators for making millions off society's lack of ability to stay quiet... i said

Forever is a long time to commit to...and when u realize it is and still want to know forever, it speaks volumes of your soul

poorly worded, it was the simplest way to make my statement within the barriers of twitters 140 character limit.. basically i sat back and thought to myself just how long forever is... theres no end to it...its infinite... it surpasses all human reasonings of time and space... u have to believe in something more than what life appears to be to even start to grasp the concept of forever and i accept that...and now that i have a mere vision of what forever is...i want to Know forever...i have a love in my heart that WILL last forever...its unconditional and it runs so deep within my veins that every beat of my heart flushes my body in fire...i can FEEL this love i have and its gripping my chest so tight sometimes i just .. stop breathing... again, maybe im just crazy

i knew id go crazy with my first blog lol i have so much more to say but no way to organize my thoughts at the moment...add is kicking in again... this is gonna be the draft to the story of my life...

Quixotic thoughts and Outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose