For the first time in years I took a look at this blog today. I have avoided it for so long because it takes me back to the days when I wrote it. It reminds me of the relationship I was in at the time and the dreams that I used to have. A lot has changed since then. I sit here now, 27 years old in the heart of South Central Los Angeles still a dreamer. Unemployed with 2 degrees hanging on my wall wondering where I went wrong.
And that is exactly where I went wrong. I've wasted the last 5 years of my life thinking about everything that I COULD have been doing and over analyzing everything that went wrong. 5 years of overly erased pencil marks and a page of faded words and folded rips from eraser burns. I wasn't even productive with my life. 27 single and childless, how did it get to this? A whole lot of plans and no action to back it up. But I suppose that was my destiny. Amidst all my daydreams was reality, the same reality I swore myself impervious to. Truth is I couldn't run from it, all the dreaming in the world doesn't make it come true.
So I'm starting over. I packed my shit and moved across the country. And fell back into the same dark routine as before until yesterday. Yesterday, Life had a message for me. It came in the form of a phone call from the one person who could trigger a cardiac arrhythmia without even trying. The one person who's voice alone renders me breathless for a while. I'm not the religious type but I do believe in God. And it seemed as though God himself was fed up with me wasting my life. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me this was my last chance to get it together...
So I'm going to try and get it together. I hope I can stay faithful to this blog to document my adventures, if for nobody but myself. If I can record them in the moment than I can save myself from the misleading suggestions of memory. Some dead guy said "the reason most people find it so hard to be happy is because they remember the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." ... something smart like that. So I need to record it all in the moment so that when I look back, I can see it for what it was.
There's still a rose growing somewhere in Brooklyn... perhaps poking it's way through the concrete
Ms J Rose
