chapter one

most autobiographies usually start at the beginning...not at birth but a brief family history... with that being the case i've already broken the rules by having a more interesting beginning than present... November 9, 1987 5:18pm queens hospital center i took my first breath...it might have been hot, it might have been cold, it might have been raining for all i know...whenever i run into a weatherman who happens to have a fantastic memory i'll let u kno...most autobiographies also begin with a detailed description of the parents lives...this is where my story begins...and this is also where it is clear that my tale is unlike no other

i could start by saying that i dont know where my mother was born but i think that she was born somewhere in New York in the 1970s..she had an older brother and nothing short of a messed up childhood...she was born to a mother who overly expressed her affections for her son and denied those for her daughter, she was a troubled child who lived by her own rules...bounced from home to home often, she was molested by her stepfathers brother at the age of 14,at 16 she dropped out of hs and had her 1st child, my older brother, and got her GED. experimenting with drugs and "living life to the fullest" she often found herself in trouble before she attempted to settle down and get married when she got pregnant and had me at age 20. as for my father... i could tell u he was oldest of 3 boys born in Yonkers to a Puerto Rican mother and Irish father in the 1970s...but 15 years later, a conversation revealed it is also just as possible that my father was born in a hospital on some random date in some random state to some random family with some random history... funny how the past seems to be more interesting than the present...but from the day i was born until i was three months old, my "reality" was a green eyed daddy and my almost caramel skinned Haitian-American mommy (although i was darker than them both)... and for a while we lived the American dream in Queens...then Louisiana... and Florida... or something like that

then somehow...someway... i end up with daddy's parents... and my reality is now a Puerto Rican momma and an Irish daddy... both of whom were born in the 1930s and retired but lived their lives as social workers... apparently my mother dropped me off and disappeared across the country, or my grandparents kidnapped me and ambushed my mother in court, or my mother asked my grandparents to babysit and took a few extra days to come back and they thought she disappeared so they went to court...all the research in the world couldn't give me a clear enough story to make this chapter clear enough to make sense... there's an old saying " there are three sides to every story- her side, his side and the truth"- well in my case... there was Daddy's side of the story, Grandma's side, Grandpa's, Uncle so-and-so's, Mommy's family's side of the story, Mommy's side of the story, random friend of the family's side of the story, and somewhere amidst the chaos and pointed fingers lies the truth. For whatever reason I ended up in a house in Queens for 22years of my life with good people however old and out of date they may have been and for that i am grateful. i don't care to know the truth for i find it impossible to know... unless i ever find the court records from the 1990s that lead to my paternal grandparents custody of me, i don't care to know how i ended up in this house. i just know i lived as best a life as they could provide. With that said, i confess that i lied to u, my loyal readers, this is indeed not chapter one but instead my introduction... this is the very beginning of my quest... The Search for Something Normal

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

the permeation of my soul...

day 167 of the year 2010...and i am still unemployed... i've been denied from every grad school i applied to...needless to say, this thing that is my life has begun to fall into shambles... on a side note one of my best friends has moved in so for the first time in 22 years theres not a 20+ age gap between myself and the other residents of this household...

ADD? ABSOLUTELY!!!

i think the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was falling in love with sports...sports now feels like that guy that ur parents and all ur friends tell u to leave alone but u dont listen? next thing u know u live together and hes using ur car to visit other women and u cant leave cause ur too proud... nice

tell me not in mournful numbers life is but an empty dream! for the soul is dead that slumbers, and things are not what they seem. life is real! life is earnest! and the grave is not its goal. dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul- H.W. Longfellow

i wish i had something more profound to say today...but as i said...this is the steady demise of my soul...i dont dream anymore...literally and figuratively... i realized this when Miss Myanda said one of the realest things ive ever read "I dreamed so hard it came true"... and it hit me- i dont dream anymore... not even nightmares...no day dreams, nothing at all...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions, im no longer impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose