closer to my dreams?

sooo im anxiously awaiting a verdict from the st johns university graduate admissions committee... almost 6 months out of school and im still unemployed...talk about a recession...

sometimes i feel as thought im aiming too high... i have 6 figure goals and 7 figure dreams... i mean who doesnt? my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent with a life of mediocrity...a job i dont hate but dont love that pays the bills, a husband and kids to make it all "worthwhile"... whenever i get married and have kids, thats gonna be my main priority...i refuse to be the type of mother who sacrifices dance recitals and games for board meetings and overtime...im gonna be that cookie baking soccer/football/track/basketball mom that never lets her kids down... but to do that i want to reach my goals so that i donthave to struggle...i refuse to believe that this is life, graduate college and have kids...what living have i done? i want to travel i want to see the world i have so many things to experience...i would never want my kids to feel as though they missed out on something... shit, ill take my kids traveling...PR, Jamaica, Europe... and then some... im only 22 but i find myself having the "when i have kids" conversation entirely too often...society has structured us to believe that having a kid at like 19 is ok because u can make 30k a year n be just fine truckin jr back and forth between mommy n daddys house...not me...not ever

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose

life, camera, action

i dont quite kno how to word myself right now...(nothing new)... again this entire post is monotone if u can imagine lol... but i was watching a movie and it really irritated me how society is so patriarchal and the constant depiction of women as naive, docile, pitterful beings... every movie u see involves a woman being subjected to some kind of bullshit to say the least...a man that did her wrong, a man that doesnt want her but she insists on chasing him anyway, a woman with a good man but is too stupid to realize it... us women are really not that tragic... and as my ADD kicks in the whole thing reminded me about a class i took last summer on race in the media

"black women" will always be the jezebel, mammy or tragic mulatto in every movie...thats how they're depicted...mostly a combination...its sick and discouraging that its 2010 and society structures women to believe in fairy tales and live as though one day their idyllic fantasy lives will become reality...thats supposed to be "our reality"...in general the world tells u to keep faith thru ur mistakes and one day ull fall in love and be swept off ur feet, ur not an idiot for being naive ur just a victim of emotion and thus were not accountable for ur behaviors however impetuous it may have been... bullshit... we're all accountable for our actions, i dont understand this maudlin mentality thats been structurally embedded in women...in people overall...life isnt a fairy tale or a fable its not always happily ever after...n when i say that im not even talkin about love im saying in general...u dont always win no matter how positive u are...not to be the pessimist in the room but thats the truth...thats reality ... im Impervious To Reality...
and ironically im as hopelessly trapped within its grasp as the very people i despise

(think about it)

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

subconsciously conscious

its been a while....sorry to disappoint

WELL NOW!!!!!! i havent had a full night of sleep in about 6 months...n when i do sleep i have a nightmare or i wake up a millionnnnnnn times...makes no sense.... so i looked into a dream dictionary..and this is what i discovered ..

*To see a shooting in your dream, indicates that you have a set goal and know what you are aiming for in life. Your plans are right on target!
*To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person.
*To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation

*To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

...just to clear the air...all my nightmares involve me being shot or people hunting me down tryna kill me...madness...

ADD...

Congrats to the 2010 Graduates....good job =0]

i have so much more to say....my mind is searching for the words to say it...ive got that lost in the words feeling goin on in my head

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...Im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

speak

for a moment i thought i had something extremely profound to say... then i completely forgot it... *sigh*

anyway its ugly outside....the world is being wrapped in the stale, weathered train of mother natures gown... after being dragged across the universe a few hundred million years its no wonder the sky is grey... when it gets like this i wish it would just pour... maybe God or Mother Nature just needs to split open the heavens and flood the clouds with rain... i like when the rain cascades down my windows like a waterfall blurring everything behind the glass... days like this i feel like its gonna come any minute now but it never does...

i want to do a blog on African American sororities but i feel that may be entirely too controversial of a topic to discuss...on the surface it may not seem so but when u start to understand the history behind it, u understand and respect the notion of "sisterhood" and why it runs so deep within peoples veins...

ADD clearly

my lovies are graduating :'(... im sad because they wont be a train ride away but im excited to see what the future holds for them... i see and feel big things in my heart for these girls... Sarah is going to take over the media...she HAS to... have u ever met someone who is BORN to do something? her journalism skills just flow so naturally that i refuse to believe she was made to do anything else... shes gonna head cnn or espn one day i swear...n lil miss Joia (sigh) if there was ever any1 more fit to work with children id like to meet them... shes got that kind soul that kids can pick up on..shes gonna make a difference in alot of kids lives... now im not sayin im not fit to work with kids... im great with kids but in a different light...im so maternal i refuse to believe i wasnt born to be a mother...of course im gonna do other things with my life...ive stared at the spotlight for so long i cant imagine not being in it... there has to be something bigger than all of THIS out there for me... unlike most people i have no calling...ive never done something that made me think THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO... there are things that i love and have a passion for but it doesnt feel like thats wat branded my existence... when it comes to people im so maternal that i know its a wrap when i have kids...they cant get away with a damn thing lolol but under the right circumstances of course.... something about sports keeps callin me and i havent figured out what direction its taking me but im not gonna ignore the whispers...

still playing usher... and now drake find ur love... something about the song feels like i was supposed to hear it... u kno its for u (if ur reading my blog that is...n if u are then u kno im talkin to u)

so every single summer i'll be the one that u remember....

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

risky business

sooo my topic today is taking risks...but not just taking risks but the fear involved...

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~ Fulton Oursler

its a powerful quote...just think about it seriously... in our present, people are afraid to take risks that affect our futures...and in turn we regret having been so afraid in the past....

todays post has clearly become an advice column of sorts

anyway my theory on all of this is, as hard as it is to do, if ur fear is rooted in something u REALLY WANT...then fuck the fear... just do it...take the risk... in the end u might end up not getting what u want at all but at least u know u didnt hold back, its just Life's way of saying this wasnt supposed to happen for u (or maybe God...that guy)

ADD

i cannot take Usher- Mars Vs Venus off repeat...
now back to ur regularly scheduled program

anyway other than that i have nothing profound to say today... i made no real time observations... im continuing to learn that i have a lot of growing left to do as a person.. and sometimes its ok to tweak urself a little bit for the sake of love if it benefits YOU in the end as a person....

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions... im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

lesson learned

so this is gonna b a short post for once...its actually one of my favorite quotes by Marilyn Monroe

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

its probably one of the hardest things in life to really grasp yet its a lesson we learn on a daily basis... im in real good spirits today (despite having yet another nightmare)

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

hidden messages

im startin to think i blog too much... i just had a random thought that i needed to put on paper but i cant find a pen at the moment sooo....

have u ever watched a movie and one of the messages in the room seemed to directly speak to u?? ive been watching a lot of movies lately (courtesy of FiosTV) and it seems like EVERY movie i watch is tryna tell me something... im well aware im looking way too deep into it but (for once my add is in topic) i feel like Gods tryna tell me something

things have a funny way of working themselves out

anyway...going in tune with my movie topic...the thing that hit home was "He's Just Not That Into You"... not the movie itself but one scene this girl was going off about how she might be the type to look too deep into things...she said "I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but at least that means that I still care." ... then a few days later somebody told me i was looking too deep into something... so today it stood out to me out of nowhere... (cause i was starting to make something out of nothing in my mind but i caught myself) im the kind of woman who looks for signs in everything... if one thing happens in my mind its speaking on a totally unrelated situation... ive concluded i really am crazy

no ADD yet...just keep following me for a sec

I watched the Soloist and at one point the main character realizes he cant change jamie foxx and that the best way to help him is to let him be himself...granted the main message of the movie is about holding onto something you believe in but thats the part of the movie that stood out to me... im a scorpio which means to some extent i need to be in control... i dont want total control because complete control= responsibility...but i like to have the ability to manipulate a situation...

SO..MY POINT IS... tying the two movies together lolol im gonna stop looking so deep into things and let LIFE take control...gonna fall back and just let life rock...the more i do that the happier i end up being i notice

SIDENOTE_ I've had Raymond vs Raymond on repeat all day *frown* i like this album way too much

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose