Sunday, September 26, 2010
this thing called love
this thing called love...its become a joke..people throw it around n use it so casually that we forget what its really about...u dont wake up one day and decide u love somebody, be it a friend, lover or family member...u grow into it, its a part of who u are- love is a state of being...its actions, its thoughts, its words, its body language, its motivation...its a force so powerful it takes away our free will...love can make life seem pointless while it can also become ur only reason to live.... love makes people stay in bad relationships and fight for dreams that never come true, love makes parents kill themselves to put a smile on their kids face, love makes u sacrifice wants and needs for the sake of this...this feeling... the feeling u get when the person u love is or isnt there...love makes u stay when u know u should leave, n the only thing that makes u leave is love again, but love for urself...love is sick, twisted, manipulative and deceitful...n what do people do? toss it around like a cheap toy... actions speak louder than words but talkin is an action...we talk love and live heartless...whats the point
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
selfish thoughts
sorry ive been neglecting u...i find myself gettin caught up in the everyday reality of my location so im fighting the undetectable molding of becoming a product of my environment... i thought of a poem in my sleep the other day (lol)... its nothin serious... just some light word play
i want to be the one whos kisses make everything ok
a faded frown as the sound of my voice hits ur ears
i want to be the one u turn to when everything goes wrong
i want to be the last voice u hear before u sleep and the first when u wake up
i want to be ur number one priority
as a matter of fact, i demand it
am i so full of myself that i want to be the only one massaging u after a long day?
i want to bring u breakfast in bed and dinner in front the tv
i want to rub ur neck til u fall asleep
i want to fold ur clothes when they come out the dryer
i want to make ur bed when u forget to do it
i want to be ur escape from reality
i want to be the only one who can make or break ur day in one sentance
i want to be the reason u laugh, cry, smile, fantasize
i want to be ur everything
im such a selfish bitch
there was a lot more to it that made it flow a bit more eloquantly however i cant remember the rest right now...thats the basic gist of it all...its not meant for anybody in particular, i just find myself watching people change and grow all around me and its cute to see people build relationships...theyre all so anxious and eager...nervous and excited...so willing to establish something but then a few weeks later, the high is gone and reality sets in *hearty chuckle*
ADD??...maybe a little
since my inevitable desire to speak is only deterred by my lack of listening ears 24/7, i started writing some of my potential blogs down... im going to buy a mead notebook today just for that purpose...possibly two, one will be the legit drafts for "the search for something normal"
A + D + D
If I Had One Wish, I WISH I Could Be 19 Again...i would change the world...(to be continued)
Quixotic Thoughts & Outlandish Emotions... I'm Impervious To Reality
Jasmin Rose
i want to be the one whos kisses make everything ok
a faded frown as the sound of my voice hits ur ears
i want to be the one u turn to when everything goes wrong
i want to be the last voice u hear before u sleep and the first when u wake up
i want to be ur number one priority
as a matter of fact, i demand it
am i so full of myself that i want to be the only one massaging u after a long day?
i want to bring u breakfast in bed and dinner in front the tv
i want to rub ur neck til u fall asleep
i want to fold ur clothes when they come out the dryer
i want to make ur bed when u forget to do it
i want to be ur escape from reality
i want to be the only one who can make or break ur day in one sentance
i want to be the reason u laugh, cry, smile, fantasize
i want to be ur everything
im such a selfish bitch
there was a lot more to it that made it flow a bit more eloquantly however i cant remember the rest right now...thats the basic gist of it all...its not meant for anybody in particular, i just find myself watching people change and grow all around me and its cute to see people build relationships...theyre all so anxious and eager...nervous and excited...so willing to establish something but then a few weeks later, the high is gone and reality sets in *hearty chuckle*
ADD??...maybe a little
since my inevitable desire to speak is only deterred by my lack of listening ears 24/7, i started writing some of my potential blogs down... im going to buy a mead notebook today just for that purpose...possibly two, one will be the legit drafts for "the search for something normal"
A + D + D
If I Had One Wish, I WISH I Could Be 19 Again...i would change the world...(to be continued)
Quixotic Thoughts & Outlandish Emotions... I'm Impervious To Reality
Jasmin Rose
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
no air
sometimes a trip somewhere new (or even someplace u havent been in a long time) gives u the opportunity to breathe a little bit... u can collect ur thoughts and take a steady inhale and exhale of molecular freedom...its not the same as running away from ur problems, but instead ur purifying ur brain...allowing ur system to cleanse itself for a moment of the toxic reality of the everyday and the steady detoxification of self allows for the regeneration of what once was and the possible founding of what will be... ive had a few days away from "home" and while the four walls that ive resided within for the past 22 years of my life have more often than not caused me to feel as though my every day was a mere millisecond of steady drowning...i cannot breathe... my lungs may not be as starved for oxygen here as they are at "home", but im still gasping... i didnt take this trip to get away from anything or to even ease my mind in the slightest bit...instead i came to spend time with my family (as introduced in chapter 2 and re-introduced in part 2 of "The Search...") i dont find myself caught in an under current though... its funny how people often say their children gave them new life...i babysat my lil brothers today (part 2 of the search) and i was sooo busy with them today that i was barely able to focus on anything else...and the few things i was able to run my mind across were positive in some way shape or form... admist the overwhelming tidal wave of negativity that i've been smacked with the past 7 months and more-so the past 6 weeks..."higher powers" work mysteriously... or maybe its just life... who knows ... im still short of breath tho
ADD? Not this time... instead a Very Special Message for a Very Special Person
im sooooooooooooo sorry Sarah, i know ur awaiting the continuation of "The Search for Something Normal" but i've actually been writing it in a notebook to make up for not blogging since i'm never near a computer when i have the thoughts in mind...i swear the real chapter one is on its way before the weekend is over...
ADD? yes... but not for this blog... id like to know ur opinion on Cougars and men who date women that are young enough to be their daughters cause I SAW SOME MADNESS ON TV TODAY....and im full of opinions...i saw some true fuckery...some TRUE...un-Godly...un-acceptable...fockery...
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose
ADD? Not this time... instead a Very Special Message for a Very Special Person
im sooooooooooooo sorry Sarah, i know ur awaiting the continuation of "The Search for Something Normal" but i've actually been writing it in a notebook to make up for not blogging since i'm never near a computer when i have the thoughts in mind...i swear the real chapter one is on its way before the weekend is over...
ADD? yes... but not for this blog... id like to know ur opinion on Cougars and men who date women that are young enough to be their daughters cause I SAW SOME MADNESS ON TV TODAY....and im full of opinions...i saw some true fuckery...some TRUE...un-Godly...un-acceptable...fockery...
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose
Thursday, June 17, 2010
chapter one
most autobiographies usually start at the beginning...not at birth but a brief family history... with that being the case i've already broken the rules by having a more interesting beginning than present... November 9, 1987 5:18pm queens hospital center i took my first breath...it might have been hot, it might have been cold, it might have been raining for all i know...whenever i run into a weatherman who happens to have a fantastic memory i'll let u kno...most autobiographies also begin with a detailed description of the parents lives...this is where my story begins...and this is also where it is clear that my tale is unlike no other
i could start by saying that i dont know where my mother was born but i think that she was born somewhere in New York in the 1970s..she had an older brother and nothing short of a messed up childhood...she was born to a mother who overly expressed her affections for her son and denied those for her daughter, she was a troubled child who lived by her own rules...bounced from home to home often, she was molested by her stepfathers brother at the age of 14,at 16 she dropped out of hs and had her 1st child, my older brother, and got her GED. experimenting with drugs and "living life to the fullest" she often found herself in trouble before she attempted to settle down and get married when she got pregnant and had me at age 20. as for my father... i could tell u he was oldest of 3 boys born in Yonkers to a Puerto Rican mother and Irish father in the 1970s...but 15 years later, a conversation revealed it is also just as possible that my father was born in a hospital on some random date in some random state to some random family with some random history... funny how the past seems to be more interesting than the present...but from the day i was born until i was three months old, my "reality" was a green eyed daddy and my almost caramel skinned Haitian-American mommy (although i was darker than them both)... and for a while we lived the American dream in Queens...then Louisiana... and Florida... or something like that
then somehow...someway... i end up with daddy's parents... and my reality is now a Puerto Rican momma and an Irish daddy... both of whom were born in the 1930s and retired but lived their lives as social workers... apparently my mother dropped me off and disappeared across the country, or my grandparents kidnapped me and ambushed my mother in court, or my mother asked my grandparents to babysit and took a few extra days to come back and they thought she disappeared so they went to court...all the research in the world couldn't give me a clear enough story to make this chapter clear enough to make sense... there's an old saying " there are three sides to every story- her side, his side and the truth"- well in my case... there was Daddy's side of the story, Grandma's side, Grandpa's, Uncle so-and-so's, Mommy's family's side of the story, Mommy's side of the story, random friend of the family's side of the story, and somewhere amidst the chaos and pointed fingers lies the truth. For whatever reason I ended up in a house in Queens for 22years of my life with good people however old and out of date they may have been and for that i am grateful. i don't care to know the truth for i find it impossible to know... unless i ever find the court records from the 1990s that lead to my paternal grandparents custody of me, i don't care to know how i ended up in this house. i just know i lived as best a life as they could provide. With that said, i confess that i lied to u, my loyal readers, this is indeed not chapter one but instead my introduction... this is the very beginning of my quest... The Search for Something Normal
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose
i could start by saying that i dont know where my mother was born but i think that she was born somewhere in New York in the 1970s..she had an older brother and nothing short of a messed up childhood...she was born to a mother who overly expressed her affections for her son and denied those for her daughter, she was a troubled child who lived by her own rules...bounced from home to home often, she was molested by her stepfathers brother at the age of 14,at 16 she dropped out of hs and had her 1st child, my older brother, and got her GED. experimenting with drugs and "living life to the fullest" she often found herself in trouble before she attempted to settle down and get married when she got pregnant and had me at age 20. as for my father... i could tell u he was oldest of 3 boys born in Yonkers to a Puerto Rican mother and Irish father in the 1970s...but 15 years later, a conversation revealed it is also just as possible that my father was born in a hospital on some random date in some random state to some random family with some random history... funny how the past seems to be more interesting than the present...but from the day i was born until i was three months old, my "reality" was a green eyed daddy and my almost caramel skinned Haitian-American mommy (although i was darker than them both)... and for a while we lived the American dream in Queens...then Louisiana... and Florida... or something like that
then somehow...someway... i end up with daddy's parents... and my reality is now a Puerto Rican momma and an Irish daddy... both of whom were born in the 1930s and retired but lived their lives as social workers... apparently my mother dropped me off and disappeared across the country, or my grandparents kidnapped me and ambushed my mother in court, or my mother asked my grandparents to babysit and took a few extra days to come back and they thought she disappeared so they went to court...all the research in the world couldn't give me a clear enough story to make this chapter clear enough to make sense... there's an old saying " there are three sides to every story- her side, his side and the truth"- well in my case... there was Daddy's side of the story, Grandma's side, Grandpa's, Uncle so-and-so's, Mommy's family's side of the story, Mommy's side of the story, random friend of the family's side of the story, and somewhere amidst the chaos and pointed fingers lies the truth. For whatever reason I ended up in a house in Queens for 22years of my life with good people however old and out of date they may have been and for that i am grateful. i don't care to know the truth for i find it impossible to know... unless i ever find the court records from the 1990s that lead to my paternal grandparents custody of me, i don't care to know how i ended up in this house. i just know i lived as best a life as they could provide. With that said, i confess that i lied to u, my loyal readers, this is indeed not chapter one but instead my introduction... this is the very beginning of my quest... The Search for Something Normal
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
the permeation of my soul...
day 167 of the year 2010...and i am still unemployed... i've been denied from every grad school i applied to...needless to say, this thing that is my life has begun to fall into shambles... on a side note one of my best friends has moved in so for the first time in 22 years theres not a 20+ age gap between myself and the other residents of this household...
ADD? ABSOLUTELY!!!
i think the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was falling in love with sports...sports now feels like that guy that ur parents and all ur friends tell u to leave alone but u dont listen? next thing u know u live together and hes using ur car to visit other women and u cant leave cause ur too proud... nice
tell me not in mournful numbers life is but an empty dream! for the soul is dead that slumbers, and things are not what they seem. life is real! life is earnest! and the grave is not its goal. dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul- H.W. Longfellow
i wish i had something more profound to say today...but as i said...this is the steady demise of my soul...i dont dream anymore...literally and figuratively... i realized this when Miss Myanda said one of the realest things ive ever read "I dreamed so hard it came true"... and it hit me- i dont dream anymore... not even nightmares...no day dreams, nothing at all...
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions, im no longer impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose
ADD? ABSOLUTELY!!!
i think the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was falling in love with sports...sports now feels like that guy that ur parents and all ur friends tell u to leave alone but u dont listen? next thing u know u live together and hes using ur car to visit other women and u cant leave cause ur too proud... nice
tell me not in mournful numbers life is but an empty dream! for the soul is dead that slumbers, and things are not what they seem. life is real! life is earnest! and the grave is not its goal. dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul- H.W. Longfellow
i wish i had something more profound to say today...but as i said...this is the steady demise of my soul...i dont dream anymore...literally and figuratively... i realized this when Miss Myanda said one of the realest things ive ever read "I dreamed so hard it came true"... and it hit me- i dont dream anymore... not even nightmares...no day dreams, nothing at all...
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions, im no longer impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose
Friday, May 28, 2010
closer to my dreams?
sooo im anxiously awaiting a verdict from the st johns university graduate admissions committee... almost 6 months out of school and im still unemployed...talk about a recession...
sometimes i feel as thought im aiming too high... i have 6 figure goals and 7 figure dreams... i mean who doesnt? my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent with a life of mediocrity...a job i dont hate but dont love that pays the bills, a husband and kids to make it all "worthwhile"... whenever i get married and have kids, thats gonna be my main priority...i refuse to be the type of mother who sacrifices dance recitals and games for board meetings and overtime...im gonna be that cookie baking soccer/football/track/basketball mom that never lets her kids down... but to do that i want to reach my goals so that i donthave to struggle...i refuse to believe that this is life, graduate college and have kids...what living have i done? i want to travel i want to see the world i have so many things to experience...i would never want my kids to feel as though they missed out on something... shit, ill take my kids traveling...PR, Jamaica, Europe... and then some... im only 22 but i find myself having the "when i have kids" conversation entirely too often...society has structured us to believe that having a kid at like 19 is ok because u can make 30k a year n be just fine truckin jr back and forth between mommy n daddys house...not me...not ever
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose
sometimes i feel as thought im aiming too high... i have 6 figure goals and 7 figure dreams... i mean who doesnt? my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent with a life of mediocrity...a job i dont hate but dont love that pays the bills, a husband and kids to make it all "worthwhile"... whenever i get married and have kids, thats gonna be my main priority...i refuse to be the type of mother who sacrifices dance recitals and games for board meetings and overtime...im gonna be that cookie baking soccer/football/track/basketball mom that never lets her kids down... but to do that i want to reach my goals so that i donthave to struggle...i refuse to believe that this is life, graduate college and have kids...what living have i done? i want to travel i want to see the world i have so many things to experience...i would never want my kids to feel as though they missed out on something... shit, ill take my kids traveling...PR, Jamaica, Europe... and then some... im only 22 but i find myself having the "when i have kids" conversation entirely too often...society has structured us to believe that having a kid at like 19 is ok because u can make 30k a year n be just fine truckin jr back and forth between mommy n daddys house...not me...not ever
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose
Monday, May 24, 2010
life, camera, action
i dont quite kno how to word myself right now...(nothing new)... again this entire post is monotone if u can imagine lol... but i was watching a movie and it really irritated me how so
ciety is so patriarchal and the constant depiction of women as naive, docile, pitterful beings... every movie u see involves a woman being subjected to some kind of bullshit to say the least...a man that did her wrong, a man that doesnt want her but she insists on chasing him anyway, a woman with a good man but is too stupid to realize it... us women are really not that tragic... and as my ADD kicks in the whole thing reminded me about a class i took last summer on race in the media
"black women" will always be the jezebel, mammy or tragic mulatto in every movie...thats how they're depicted...mostly a combination...its sick and discouraging that its 2010 and society structures women to believe in fairy tales and live as though one day their idyllic fantasy lives will become reality...thats supposed to be "our reality"...in general the world tells u to keep faith thru ur mistakes and one day ull fall in love and be swept off ur feet, ur not an idiot for being naive ur just a victim of emotion and thus were not accountable for ur behaviors however impetuous it may have been... bullshit... we're all accountable for our actions, i dont understand this maudlin mentality thats been structurally embedded in women...in people overall...life isnt a fairy tale or a fable its not always happily ever after...n when i say that im not even talkin about love im saying in general...u dont always win no matter how positive u are...not to be the pessimist in the room but thats the truth...thats reality ... im Impervious To Reality...
and ironically im as hopelessly trapped within its grasp as the very people i despise
ciety is so patriarchal and the constant depiction of women as naive, docile, pitterful beings... every movie u see involves a woman being subjected to some kind of bullshit to say the least...a man that did her wrong, a man that doesnt want her but she insists on chasing him anyway, a woman with a good man but is too stupid to realize it... us women are really not that tragic... and as my ADD kicks in the whole thing reminded me about a class i took last summer on race in the media"black women" will always be the jezebel, mammy or tragic mulatto in every movie...thats how they're depicted...mostly a combination...its sick and discouraging that its 2010 and society structures women to believe in fairy tales and live as though one day their idyllic fantasy lives will become reality...thats supposed to be "our reality"...in general the world tells u to keep faith thru ur mistakes and one day ull fall in love and be swept off ur feet, ur not an idiot for being naive ur just a victim of emotion and thus were not accountable for ur behaviors however impetuous it may have been... bullshit... we're all accountable for our actions, i dont understand this maudlin mentality thats been structurally embedded in women...in people overall...life isnt a fairy tale or a fable its not always happily ever after...n when i say that im not even talkin about love im saying in general...u dont always win no matter how positive u are...not to be the pessimist in the room but thats the truth...thats reality ... im Impervious To Reality...
and ironically im as hopelessly trapped within its grasp as the very people i despise
(think about it)
quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose
Jasmin Rose
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