no air

sometimes a trip somewhere new (or even someplace u havent been in a long time) gives u the opportunity to breathe a little bit... u can collect ur thoughts and take a steady inhale and exhale of molecular freedom...its not the same as running away from ur problems, but instead ur purifying ur brain...allowing ur system to cleanse itself for a moment of the toxic reality of the everyday and the steady detoxification of self allows for the regeneration of what once was and the possible founding of what will be... ive had a few days away from "home" and while the four walls that ive resided within for the past 22 years of my life have more often than not caused me to feel as though my every day was a mere millisecond of steady drowning...i cannot breathe... my lungs may not be as starved for oxygen here as they are at "home", but im still gasping... i didnt take this trip to get away from anything or to even ease my mind in the slightest bit...instead i came to spend time with my family (as introduced in chapter 2 and re-introduced in part 2 of "The Search...") i dont find myself caught in an under current though... its funny how people often say their children gave them new life...i babysat my lil brothers today (part 2 of the search) and i was sooo busy with them today that i was barely able to focus on anything else...and the few things i was able to run my mind across were positive in some way shape or form... admist the overwhelming tidal wave of negativity that i've been smacked with the past 7 months and more-so the past 6 weeks..."higher powers" work mysteriously... or maybe its just life... who knows ... im still short of breath tho

ADD? Not this time... instead a Very Special Message for a Very Special Person


im sooooooooooooo sorry Sarah, i know ur awaiting the continuation of "The Search for Something Normal" but i've actually been writing it in a notebook to make up for not blogging since i'm never near a computer when i have the thoughts in mind...i swear the real chapter one is on its way before the weekend is over...

ADD? yes... but not for this blog... id like to know ur opinion on Cougars and men who date women that are young enough to be their daughters cause I SAW SOME MADNESS ON TV TODAY....and im full of opinions...i saw some true fuckery...some TRUE...un-Godly...un-acceptable...fockery...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose

chapter one

most autobiographies usually start at the beginning...not at birth but a brief family history... with that being the case i've already broken the rules by having a more interesting beginning than present... November 9, 1987 5:18pm queens hospital center i took my first breath...it might have been hot, it might have been cold, it might have been raining for all i know...whenever i run into a weatherman who happens to have a fantastic memory i'll let u kno...most autobiographies also begin with a detailed description of the parents lives...this is where my story begins...and this is also where it is clear that my tale is unlike no other

i could start by saying that i dont know where my mother was born but i think that she was born somewhere in New York in the 1970s..she had an older brother and nothing short of a messed up childhood...she was born to a mother who overly expressed her affections for her son and denied those for her daughter, she was a troubled child who lived by her own rules...bounced from home to home often, she was molested by her stepfathers brother at the age of 14,at 16 she dropped out of hs and had her 1st child, my older brother, and got her GED. experimenting with drugs and "living life to the fullest" she often found herself in trouble before she attempted to settle down and get married when she got pregnant and had me at age 20. as for my father... i could tell u he was oldest of 3 boys born in Yonkers to a Puerto Rican mother and Irish father in the 1970s...but 15 years later, a conversation revealed it is also just as possible that my father was born in a hospital on some random date in some random state to some random family with some random history... funny how the past seems to be more interesting than the present...but from the day i was born until i was three months old, my "reality" was a green eyed daddy and my almost caramel skinned Haitian-American mommy (although i was darker than them both)... and for a while we lived the American dream in Queens...then Louisiana... and Florida... or something like that

then somehow...someway... i end up with daddy's parents... and my reality is now a Puerto Rican momma and an Irish daddy... both of whom were born in the 1930s and retired but lived their lives as social workers... apparently my mother dropped me off and disappeared across the country, or my grandparents kidnapped me and ambushed my mother in court, or my mother asked my grandparents to babysit and took a few extra days to come back and they thought she disappeared so they went to court...all the research in the world couldn't give me a clear enough story to make this chapter clear enough to make sense... there's an old saying " there are three sides to every story- her side, his side and the truth"- well in my case... there was Daddy's side of the story, Grandma's side, Grandpa's, Uncle so-and-so's, Mommy's family's side of the story, Mommy's side of the story, random friend of the family's side of the story, and somewhere amidst the chaos and pointed fingers lies the truth. For whatever reason I ended up in a house in Queens for 22years of my life with good people however old and out of date they may have been and for that i am grateful. i don't care to know the truth for i find it impossible to know... unless i ever find the court records from the 1990s that lead to my paternal grandparents custody of me, i don't care to know how i ended up in this house. i just know i lived as best a life as they could provide. With that said, i confess that i lied to u, my loyal readers, this is indeed not chapter one but instead my introduction... this is the very beginning of my quest... The Search for Something Normal

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

the permeation of my soul...

day 167 of the year 2010...and i am still unemployed... i've been denied from every grad school i applied to...needless to say, this thing that is my life has begun to fall into shambles... on a side note one of my best friends has moved in so for the first time in 22 years theres not a 20+ age gap between myself and the other residents of this household...

ADD? ABSOLUTELY!!!

i think the biggest mistake i ever made in my life was falling in love with sports...sports now feels like that guy that ur parents and all ur friends tell u to leave alone but u dont listen? next thing u know u live together and hes using ur car to visit other women and u cant leave cause ur too proud... nice

tell me not in mournful numbers life is but an empty dream! for the soul is dead that slumbers, and things are not what they seem. life is real! life is earnest! and the grave is not its goal. dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul- H.W. Longfellow

i wish i had something more profound to say today...but as i said...this is the steady demise of my soul...i dont dream anymore...literally and figuratively... i realized this when Miss Myanda said one of the realest things ive ever read "I dreamed so hard it came true"... and it hit me- i dont dream anymore... not even nightmares...no day dreams, nothing at all...

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions, im no longer impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

closer to my dreams?

sooo im anxiously awaiting a verdict from the st johns university graduate admissions committee... almost 6 months out of school and im still unemployed...talk about a recession...

sometimes i feel as thought im aiming too high... i have 6 figure goals and 7 figure dreams... i mean who doesnt? my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent with a life of mediocrity...a job i dont hate but dont love that pays the bills, a husband and kids to make it all "worthwhile"... whenever i get married and have kids, thats gonna be my main priority...i refuse to be the type of mother who sacrifices dance recitals and games for board meetings and overtime...im gonna be that cookie baking soccer/football/track/basketball mom that never lets her kids down... but to do that i want to reach my goals so that i donthave to struggle...i refuse to believe that this is life, graduate college and have kids...what living have i done? i want to travel i want to see the world i have so many things to experience...i would never want my kids to feel as though they missed out on something... shit, ill take my kids traveling...PR, Jamaica, Europe... and then some... im only 22 but i find myself having the "when i have kids" conversation entirely too often...society has structured us to believe that having a kid at like 19 is ok because u can make 30k a year n be just fine truckin jr back and forth between mommy n daddys house...not me...not ever

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose

life, camera, action

i dont quite kno how to word myself right now...(nothing new)... again this entire post is monotone if u can imagine lol... but i was watching a movie and it really irritated me how society is so patriarchal and the constant depiction of women as naive, docile, pitterful beings... every movie u see involves a woman being subjected to some kind of bullshit to say the least...a man that did her wrong, a man that doesnt want her but she insists on chasing him anyway, a woman with a good man but is too stupid to realize it... us women are really not that tragic... and as my ADD kicks in the whole thing reminded me about a class i took last summer on race in the media

"black women" will always be the jezebel, mammy or tragic mulatto in every movie...thats how they're depicted...mostly a combination...its sick and discouraging that its 2010 and society structures women to believe in fairy tales and live as though one day their idyllic fantasy lives will become reality...thats supposed to be "our reality"...in general the world tells u to keep faith thru ur mistakes and one day ull fall in love and be swept off ur feet, ur not an idiot for being naive ur just a victim of emotion and thus were not accountable for ur behaviors however impetuous it may have been... bullshit... we're all accountable for our actions, i dont understand this maudlin mentality thats been structurally embedded in women...in people overall...life isnt a fairy tale or a fable its not always happily ever after...n when i say that im not even talkin about love im saying in general...u dont always win no matter how positive u are...not to be the pessimist in the room but thats the truth...thats reality ... im Impervious To Reality...
and ironically im as hopelessly trapped within its grasp as the very people i despise

(think about it)

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

subconsciously conscious

its been a while....sorry to disappoint

WELL NOW!!!!!! i havent had a full night of sleep in about 6 months...n when i do sleep i have a nightmare or i wake up a millionnnnnnn times...makes no sense.... so i looked into a dream dictionary..and this is what i discovered ..

*To see a shooting in your dream, indicates that you have a set goal and know what you are aiming for in life. Your plans are right on target!
*To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person.
*To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation

*To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

...just to clear the air...all my nightmares involve me being shot or people hunting me down tryna kill me...madness...

ADD...

Congrats to the 2010 Graduates....good job =0]

i have so much more to say....my mind is searching for the words to say it...ive got that lost in the words feeling goin on in my head

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...Im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose

speak

for a moment i thought i had something extremely profound to say... then i completely forgot it... *sigh*

anyway its ugly outside....the world is being wrapped in the stale, weathered train of mother natures gown... after being dragged across the universe a few hundred million years its no wonder the sky is grey... when it gets like this i wish it would just pour... maybe God or Mother Nature just needs to split open the heavens and flood the clouds with rain... i like when the rain cascades down my windows like a waterfall blurring everything behind the glass... days like this i feel like its gonna come any minute now but it never does...

i want to do a blog on African American sororities but i feel that may be entirely too controversial of a topic to discuss...on the surface it may not seem so but when u start to understand the history behind it, u understand and respect the notion of "sisterhood" and why it runs so deep within peoples veins...

ADD clearly

my lovies are graduating :'(... im sad because they wont be a train ride away but im excited to see what the future holds for them... i see and feel big things in my heart for these girls... Sarah is going to take over the media...she HAS to... have u ever met someone who is BORN to do something? her journalism skills just flow so naturally that i refuse to believe she was made to do anything else... shes gonna head cnn or espn one day i swear...n lil miss Joia (sigh) if there was ever any1 more fit to work with children id like to meet them... shes got that kind soul that kids can pick up on..shes gonna make a difference in alot of kids lives... now im not sayin im not fit to work with kids... im great with kids but in a different light...im so maternal i refuse to believe i wasnt born to be a mother...of course im gonna do other things with my life...ive stared at the spotlight for so long i cant imagine not being in it... there has to be something bigger than all of THIS out there for me... unlike most people i have no calling...ive never done something that made me think THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO... there are things that i love and have a passion for but it doesnt feel like thats wat branded my existence... when it comes to people im so maternal that i know its a wrap when i have kids...they cant get away with a damn thing lolol but under the right circumstances of course.... something about sports keeps callin me and i havent figured out what direction its taking me but im not gonna ignore the whispers...

still playing usher... and now drake find ur love... something about the song feels like i was supposed to hear it... u kno its for u (if ur reading my blog that is...n if u are then u kno im talkin to u)

so every single summer i'll be the one that u remember....

quixotic thoughts and outlandish emotions...im impervious to reality
Jasmin Rose