Return of the Mack

For the first time in years I took a look at this blog today. I have avoided it for so long because it takes me back to the days when I wrote it. It reminds me of the relationship I was in at the time and the dreams that I used to have. A lot has changed since then. I sit here now, 27 years old in the heart of South Central Los Angeles still a dreamer. Unemployed with 2 degrees hanging on my wall wondering where I went wrong.

And that is exactly where I went wrong. I've wasted the last 5 years of my life thinking about everything that I COULD have been doing and over analyzing everything that went wrong. 5 years of overly erased pencil marks and a page of faded words and folded rips from eraser burns. I wasn't even productive with my life. 27 single and childless, how did it get to this? A whole lot of plans and no action to back it up. But I suppose that was my destiny. Amidst all my daydreams was reality, the same reality I swore myself impervious to. Truth is I couldn't run from it, all the dreaming in the world doesn't make it come true.

So I'm starting over. I packed my shit and moved across the country. And fell back into the same dark routine as before until yesterday. Yesterday, Life had a message for me. It came in the form of a phone call from the one person who could trigger a cardiac arrhythmia without even trying. The one person who's voice alone renders me breathless for a while. I'm not the religious type but I do believe in God. And it seemed as though God himself was fed up with me wasting my life. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me this was my last chance to get it together...

So I'm going to try and get it together. I hope I can stay faithful to this blog to document my adventures, if for nobody but myself. If I can record them in the moment than I can save myself from the misleading suggestions of memory. Some dead guy said "the reason most people find it so hard to be happy is because they remember the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." ... something smart like that. So I need to record it all in the moment so that when I look back, I can see it for what it was.

There's still a rose growing somewhere in Brooklyn... perhaps poking it's way through the concrete
Ms J Rose

snap backs and tattoos

pardon my text friendly abbreviations... it is 630am and I'm really just writing as it comes to mind. I'll polish it at a later date.

marriage and tattoos

same thing right?

think about it:
u can't get rid of it when Ur upset then take it back when Ur happy...even If u walk away for the moment i still there ... u can hide it and cover it up but it's still there...it's a product of Ur own design....

A bad tattoo like a bad marriage will haunt u... its noticeable n Ur stuck explaining why it was a mistake. you did it for the wrong reasons or at the time it seemed like a good idea cause you didn't think about it in the long run. say you change Ur mind, that's fine. but the cover up doesn't erase the tattoo before it...it embeds it within the new design so that u can't see what was there before... the next marriage or divorce doesn't change the reality of the first marriage...the lessons you learned carry over. tattoos are permanent works.marriage is a permanent institution. so before u say yes to the ring or the needle u know what Ur gettin yourself into... there is no do over...most people are in love with the initial fancy... the 15min of fun and glory...

but what about later? when age sets in and Ur skin is weathered and wrinkled... when life sets in and the honeymoon is over and u hate the sound of her chew or the way he brushes his teeth. that's when it's too late to take a look at what u did. but if u thought it out before u took the plunge...then the artwork is graceful among the pleats... he still gives u butterflies...she is still Ur everything... 

for better or for worse are without a doubt the most difficult challenge ever given to a human being...n understanding what it means BEFORE the I do is what most people can't do. it means when u have no strength left in Ur heart...when Ur at Ur absolute limit mentally physically emotionally, u hold hands and wipe the blood of each other's knees and you get up. u hit rock bottom and u look in each other's eyes and u get up. amidst the anger the anguish the resentment the pain the sorrow the disappointment there's the smallest, tiniest, barely detectable spark of life and love left u fuel it until it is ablaze... that's what ur sayin I do to... u have to know that before u say yes. saying yes doesn't have to mean u can do that right now... yes means you're willing to get to the point to Say I do...it means I know what I'm getting myself into and I want to learn how to be strong enough to get through it.

when u know you want a tattoo...if u do ir right first you're sitting down looking at designs...Ur planning Ur sketching deciding where this thing is going to go. where will it fit best. once u find the one u want u find the right artist to execute Ur design properly... saying yes means finding the right way to execute things properly because you have already thought everything else out...

I do is when u sit in the chair and the needle hits Ur skin. it's exhilarating exciting and new...u want to show it off and flaunt it... but when its healed and set into Ur skin...what then? do u forget about it unless u see it? do u always know it's there and smile to yourself feeling confident with Ur decision? or do u hate it n think it was a terrible mistake??

Hashtag Society

Let me apologize in advance if this post becomes unorganized...I'm trying to put my thoughts on paper so ill type as the words come...

spring and romance have become relatively synonymous with one another, you think flowers and birds and couples holding hands walking through the park and all that crap, yet every song on the radio is about falling in love, out of love, in lust...heartache, happiness, drugs, money, sex and murder...welcome to 2012...

I'm going to speak about generation y, the echo boomers, my generation...the 1981-1989 kids... Our parents were the last generation to not be raised by tv but by family instead, they were the last to see the marriage rate stay higher than the divorce rate, so what fucked them up? Crack... And when crack started fucking up the youth of generation x, we came along...we're the last set of kids to know what its like to play outside til the street lights came on... We watched shows that were actually appropriate for children, but we fucked up to...how? Well think about it, we grew up watching the Disney classics, Aladdin, Lion King, Mulan, Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid...all mostly love stories, but all stories of kids growing up too fast... Ariel n Jasmine were freakin married at like 16.. Little shit like that went unnoticed but we wonder why we're so obssesed with being in relationships, Think about the shows we used to watch... helga had a shrine for arnold in her closet, they were 10yrs old n she had a SHRINE... We're conditioned to look for the rich and handsome prince charming or the beautiful princess...  Then there was happily ever after...n what did it consist of? A handsome king and a beautiful queen who are now rich n powerful...

We were taught to believe we can't be happy without money and a partner, n if we can't have both than it's ok to settle for less as long as we're together...

So what happens to generation y after years of being brain washed by the Titanic and the Notebook... We're the generation of single parent households, we have more black men in jail than in college, public hs graduation rates under 50% nationwide, we have babies b4 diplomas, the divorce rate is higher than the marriage rate...n our little brothers and sisters are on 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom...our younger siblings are growing up on facebook and twitter arguing about Amber Cole and Kim Kardashian... This is the example that we set... We complain about the 90s babies but we're more responsible for them being a hot mess than anyone else... We made Jordan so hot they changed the release dates to Saturdays cause we cut school to stand in line...now kids are stabbing each other over kicks we had back in 8th grade... We put our time and energy towards how we look so such and such will notice us instead of taking our time to establish good credit and buying a house... We have day cares in high schools, 30 partners by age 25, condom and vibrator commercials at 2pm...

Im not judging anybody, live ur life how u want to, just understand ur not acting on ur own volition...we're acting the way we've been taught to act...but we reprimand the 90s babies? They're just doing what we did...but 10x bigger...

Honestly Speaking

I had an epiphany the other day. I've come to the realization that I am the girl I've always talked shit about my whole life. This is by far the most honest, sincere, and vulnerable I've ever been in the public eye but i think it needs to be said. I'm the girl who gets sprung over a guy after a week and daydreams about him before bed. The girl that takes being treated second class because she thinks she can change him. The girl who knows when she deserves better but makes excuses. The girl who wears her heart on her sleeve no matter how many times it breaks. The girl who subs her emotions on facebook n always Needs the world to know who her Him is... I'm that girl. The girl who "never felt like this before" about 10guys then later realized she didn't mean it. The sucker for a cute smile and some attention. The girl who clings desperately to emotional attachments. But I'm also the girl with a big heart. Who might be naive as hell sometimes but always acts with genuine intention. I'm the girl who cooks n does laundry for every guy she dated but felt brand new about it each time. Every him was legitimately special to my heart in a different way. And now at 24years old after taking a look at my life and finally waking up, i see what i should have done differently, but i needed to be THAT girl in order to become THIS WOMAN. And maybe i did save some of those Hims along the way, and maybe i didnt. But i cant be that girl anymore. Because that girl will always live her life with someone else in control. N the truth is not everybody is gonna look out for me the way i look out for them. N that is the root of all evil lol. Thats y im that girl. Because deep down i wanted somebody to do all that shit for me...but u cant expect anyone to do something u wouldnt do for urself...so heres to JASMIN ROSE...and nobody else <3

Welcome Back

guess who's back!
I don't know why i stayed away for so long. As much as many of my posts are random thoughts combined in an, almost, organized form, they're really just random thoughts lol. And in the few short months that I stopped blogging, I realized how much this is therapy for me in a sense. Sometimes I just need to write about, well, nothing. Just to get it off my chest...and I have a ton of shit sitting on my chest right now

SO!!!

Let me start with promoting a  blog... I like reading blogs that are worth reading, say something inspirational, or better yet, say something honest. You get tired of reading heartbreak stories every once in a while (i confess i have greatly contributed to the heartbreak) but its nice to see some insight from people now and then...SO...

http://conphlict3.blogspot.com

read it....

Next...an update on my whirlwind love life... I'm engaged again lmao our breakup was temporary but we decided engagement wasn't where we needed to be at the time... but then Sept 17 he got down on one knee this time and put a fat diamond on my finger so0o0o yea.....
Also, I'm still in pursuit of a dream... I can't quite share it with you guys yet because I don't want to jinx myself.. I'm chasing a few dreams actually so we'll see what happens next...


ok...3 months of random thoughts::
*Dream chasing… Everybody talks about it but thats the problem- EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT IT …of all these people who talk about following their dreams and chasing success to the ends of the world, how many are really doing it if they have all this time to talk about it?

*I don’t want to sit here and paint a Christian picture of myself… I’m rather mixed about my religion… Bring raised in the Catholic church n being put in Catholic school k-12 I wonder if I believe in God because I was told to my whole life or because its what I truly believe… Im def not Catholic , no offense to u that are… But heres my thing… There are hundreds of religions in the world, all center around a higher power if some sort, some even have multiple higher powers… But all in all u can’t tell anybody their religion is wrong… Muslims know their truths, Christians know theirs, Jews, etc… So how can everybody be right? Its impossible… I will concede to the fact that everyone agrees on some sort of higher power…n theres no way billions of people have been wrong forever lol… So in my book there is a God…he or she (or maybe even them) is somewhere doing something…
I also believe in fate and reason… Cliche as it is, everything happens for a reason and everyone serves a purpose in our lives… When it feels like nothings right, thats fate (or God’s) way of telling us we’re falling off the map… Now free will gives us the freedom to choose our paths, but the destination is the same no matter that we do…
There was a line in the mummy 2 that stood out to me n my theory is a play on it…i refuse to misquote so when I get the chance ill post it LoL

*
One of my favorite quotes is “Maybe all your dreams haven’t come true but neither have all your nightmares”
Sometimes things in life go wrong and at times it may feel like things will never get better. But instead of wallowing we have to take that as a sign that we’re heading in the wrong direction… Jer 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for u, Declares the Lord, plans to prosper u and not to harm u, plans for hope and a future”
I apologize if I misquoted…but when things go smooth its Gods way of telling us we’re back on the right path… So take a look at ur lives (not to get preachy on u guys but Ive been seeing a lot of people complain about their lives n feeling lost ) but find the learning in ur pain… Things may suck right now but maybe thats a cue that u need to change something in ur life… N the best place to start is by changing ur attitude..

*What else could i possibly have to say? A whole lot of things….but I shall keep it short…

I’ve come to notice something about the word “dream”…it has especially replaced the word “goal”, but why? Perhaps it is society’s way of coping with falling short or maybe we as people expect less of ourselves than we should. Think about it, how often do you hear people say “my dream was abc but…” If they don’t do everything they once hoped to do Or “my dreams came true” when something exceeds their expectations… I may be wording myself poorly but I’ve got eye boogers and bad breath lolol what I’m trying to say is the word dream represents something essentially fictitious…but we as people have embedded it into our vocabulary to represent potential. Potential is real; Set goals, not dreams.
Of course this brings to mind a “what to do if you don’t reach your goals” post lol but i think i've said enough today


quixotic thoughts & outlandish emotions
I'm Impervious to Reality
Jasmin Rose <3

Temporary Happiness

it seems as though every time things are just starting to get back on track...the train derails... what kind of random, once in a lifetime shit...its crazy

with the shocking and random events that occurred last night in mind, i suddenly thought to myself 2 completely unrelated things...that in turn have everything to do with one another..

1- Could you drop EVERYTHING and Everyone in your life in pursuit of a specific goal?
its funny cause i saw a quote this morning that said "Sometimes we have to decide between sacrificing for opportunity and sacrificing opportunity"
made me think

2- Why do women think that when they have a baby, they are the ones in control of everything regarding that child?
Now I can completely understand in a single parent situation. If the father just isn't there then hey rock on... but what if the father wants to be there? What is it with women that makes them think the title Mother is more heavily weighed than Father? is it the 9months of carrying the baby? Cause yea, you carried the child...but the child is still only 50% your DNA...So why is it that society, the legal system, everything...is bias toward the mother?
It completely disgusts me to see mothers deny fathers the opportunity to be there for a child. Or even set stipulations as to how the father should be living, and how the woman decides what the best life for her child is and the father just has to agree. No. That's bullshit. Yes it's your child but it's his child too. So why is it that women are the only ones who have a say? I'm a woman and it boggles my fuckin mind. Granted, I don't have children so I can't understand the whole maternal thing right now, but I am somebody's child. And I've been a witness to a lot of disgusting shit that I could never understand. I'll have a hysterectomy before I become somebody's 'Baby Momma'. . .

and with all of that said...
Theres a rock in the very core of my stomach...
and a voice in the back of my mind
SCREAMING at me to brace myself... because Intuition never really fails... and i feel like something is about to happen that is ultimately going to change the rest of my life...

lets see how this goes

outlandish...quixotic...and crazy
Jasmin Rose

monotone narratives

so i'm back to the monotone narratives that started this whole blog... i'm ok for those of you who are wondering, love has a funny way of exposing itself. its the superglue in the cracks of life LOL... i have an image in my head right now that i can't quite verbalize... it'd be too easy to say love is the superglue of a broken heart... because its more than that...

anyway

Mad Cobra is playing on my speakers but i can barely hear it... i can't see the outside cause there are no windows around my desk, prison cell... i can still feel the fog, the glare of the lights exposes how dark it really is outside... its that "i want to break open the floodgates" dark, but its not going to pour... it'll drizzle slowly for hours...kind of like the heavens are trying to fight their tears...she's too proud to let us see her cry, but pride can't hide the pain in her eyes...



Jasmin Rose